Current mood:	fanatical
Current music:	the sweet sounds of JESUS!

Uncle Pennybags is the Motherfucking Devil!
The board game Monopoly is evil.

Yes, you heard me. Pure, unadulterated evil.

How? Well, let's see...

(1) The game exists in a lawless world where the hedonistic desire of gluttony runs rampant.

(2) The game mechanics evolve around the acquisition of as much capital as possible, through any means necessary and regardless of the cost to one's fellow player.

(3) Tax collection and usury are obscenely common in the Monopoly world--something that falls far short of proscribed biblical morality.

(4) Monopoly exists in a wholly atheistic world where our lord Jesus Christ is never mentioned even once.

Now, some of you may look at the preceding passage and think, "Nick, doesn't that sound extreme? I've played Monopoly before, and it's totally harmless." Oh, really? Because when you say that, all I hear out of your mouths is, "Blah-bliggity-blah-blah! I like my heathen board game of foul repute, and there's nothing you can do about it. Now excuse me while I go and perform Wiccan rituals and commit sodomy on young boys dressed as the virgin Mary."

Don't you see the danger your soul is in?!?

Sure, Monopoly looks like nothing more than a harmless game, and that the game's Satanic worldview couldn't possibly rub off on its players, but this ignores how different Monopoly is from other games. In simple games like Trouble, Risk, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cowabunga Sewer Game, and Dungeons & Dragons, your character's actions are determined by nothing more than the result of a few dice rolls. Monopoly, however, delves deeper into ones psyche. An average turn in Monopoly requires the player to carefully examine all of his or her blasphemous landholdings to determine what combinations of wheeling, dealing, and Jewing will win them the greatest amount of tainted blood money (what did Judas get for betraying Jesus--money!). Yes, it is possible that one can play a game so intricate and not get sucked in, but I'll believe that little poo-nugget when I believe that the Harry Potter books are perfectly innocent reading for developing minds--WHEN THE DARK LAND WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO FREEZES OVER!

Monopoly is the greatest threat to our children today because people don't understand how horrific it truly is. Satan sees you playing this game and masturbates! Rich Uncle Pennybags is slinging the man-juice of sin, bukkake-style, into the face of our lady American Virtue, and the populace is swallowing it up like so many cheerleaders and theatre girls. Break free from the chains of this nadir of 2-D gaming! Liberate yourself from the pagan desires for wealth, railroads, and electric companies! Don't let the words of the instruction page supercede the only Word that counts.

Go, play Trouble. Play Japanese hentai games. Beat any towlheads, queers, and Masons you see on the streets. Hang up graphic pictures of abortion procedures outside of preschools. Just, in the name of all that is holy, do not play Monopoly. Your eternal soul depends on it.

Now, I have to go throw some ice at the nonbelievers, because I'm the biggest asshat in the world.